I just know

Conversations with my guide

I remember when my son was two and half years old, he astounded me with insight. Our doctor had recently died from cancer. I was crying and told him that I was sad, because our doctor was gone, and we would never see him again. He grabbed a tissue, handed it to me as he smiled and said, “Mom don’t be sad. When people die, they are not gone, they are everywhere.” I said, “How do you know that?” he replied, “I’ve seen him Mom, and sometimes, I just know stuff.” Our conversations were often like this, I would believe that I was trying to share some useful insight or fact with him, because this was what parents are supposed to do. While in truth, he was my greatest teacher. He taught me to appreciate life from a perspective that I hadn’t considered before. It was raw, honest and true, at least from his point of view. At the age of three after his first day of preschool he jumped into my arms and asked, “Mom do you know why you Love me?” I answered, “Of course, because you are my son.” he replied, “No Mom, you Love me because I am me. They taught us that today in school.” “You’re right ,” I replied, “I do Love you because you are you.” I put him down and noticed he was limping. I said, “Did you get hurt today at school?” He said, “No, I put my rocks in my shoes.” He proceeded to sit down and empty his shoes of small unpolished agates that he had found in the gravel on the playground. He explained, “I put these in my shoes, so that my socks can try to polish them and make them shiny.” I replied, “It might be a better idea to put the agates in his pocket next time.” We moved out of the home that we shared with his Dad and half siblings in into my Father’s home shortly after my son had started pre-school. I had filled our car with our clothing and personal belongings. As I drove away from our former home. My son said, “Mom, sometimes people just change, and that’s okay. They just Love each other different. Like you and Dad.” I smiled and realized that I had wise old soul sitting in the car seat behind me. Little did I know that it would be the wisdom that he shared with me that would guide me through after I became vilomahed. According to Karla Holloway, Vilomah means “against a natural order As in, the grey-haired should not bury those with black hair As in our children should not precede us in death.” If they do we are vilomahed. I have been vilomahed as my son was killed in a car accident. I was gifted with 15 years of experiences along reminders that he is always with me and the treasures that turn up just as I need them. Like this journal entry I found which he wrote in 1999: “I was in right field at my fourth game. One of the other team’s heavy hitters was up to bat. Three balls, two strikes, bases loaded, two outs. The pitcher released the ball. Boom! The ball was hit right to me. The ball was falling very fast. I thought that if I caught it my coach would be proud. If I didn’t catch the ball my coach would be mad, and the other team would score a lot of runs. The ball looked like a comet coming from the sun, I was very nervous. I could smell the freshly cut grass and see the ball coming toward me like a hammer to a nail, fast and hard. When the ball dropped in my glove I felt the weight of the world had just been dropped off my shoulders. That was the third out and the end of the first inning.”(The Big Catch). I had no idea that he was under such pressure playing baseball in 4th grade. I connected to his anxiety as he realized that he would either be a hero or a disappointment. I also sensed his relief after the catch was made. Finding this entry is a gift. It allowed me to experience memories from his perspective. He was such a happy kid that I had no idea how this event had him so stressed out. His life and memories have inspired me. His stories remind me to maintain balance by honoring his life rather than lamenting his loss. It is a blessing to share his stories. Not only from his point of view, but also from my own reflection of his impact on my life. It is a road that no parent should ever travel and I find solace in the memories, the stories and the signs that the journey continues and he is my greatest guide from the other side.